CHANHASSEN, MN—Mike Lindell announced today the release of his company's latest product: the high-capacity assault MyPillow.
The new MyPillow-15 is a fully semi-automatic assault pillow that can devastate opponents in a pillow fight with its deadly, rapid-fire action. Plus, once you get tired from owning libs by shooting soft, polyurethane foam at their dum liberal faces for hours, you can just lie your MyPillow-15 on the ground and plunk right down for a nice nap. The MyPillow CEO says that the new assault pillow is the absolute best -- and most comfortable -- weapon to bring to a pillow fight.
"Other companies' pillows are either too soft or too firm. Plus, they don't fire hundreds of rounds of softness at libs as well as the MyPillow-15," Lindell said. The CEO then turned to a target downrange, which looked suspiciously like David Hogg. He fired off thirty rounds into it, all of them dead-center. "Pillows don't kill people -- I do."
"Anyway, God told me in a dream one night I had to make an assault pillow. I had just gotten back from foiling a drug deal with the Mexicans on my private jet. Had to skydive out of that whole thing, and I was really tired. Right in the middle of the night, bam! God came to me and told me to make the MyPillow-15. We put it into production the very next day."
"And, as always, the assault pillow comes with a 10-Year Warranty and a 60-day lib-owning guarantee!" he added proudly as he snuggled up with his MyPillow-15.